Every relationship should come with monthly statistical reporting. For example, I’d like to know exactly how many times I’ve had to tell you to buckle your seat belt only to have you glare at me, shun my request, and pretend to ignore the beeping of the car telling you to listen to your husband. Likewise, how many times do you think you’ve told me to simply follow the recipe instead of improvising as if I’m Rachel Ray? (How was I supposed to know mushrooms, flour and vinegar wouldn’t make gravy?) But more than anything, I’d love to have a perfect recount of all the fights, arguments, petty snips, and under-the-breath snarks we’ve shared over the years.
Oh, the bombastic reasoning of two lovers in quarrel. For some reason, nothing seems to matter to me as much unless I’m arguing about it with you. Then EVERYTHING becomes life or death. Like that one time I soapboxed about Ruth Bader Ginsberg, arguing with you about her merits and contributions to the judicial landscape and fourth-wave feminism. First of all, I couldn’t even spell “Ginsberg” until I googled it 7 minutes ago. Second, we had that argument when I was 3 seasons into The West Wing, which led me to believe I had a law degree. Lastly, you didn’t even care about the argument, you just knew talking ill of Ruth would get a rise out of me. So, that one’s on you.
But without looking through the records of our fights, I know for sure we’ve had some pretty pointless doozies, most of which have been my doing. So, maybe chronicling them here in their ridiculousness will help us (mostly me) from repeating them. And it’s also probably a large comfort to know that plenty of other couples have similar spats. I’ve been to enough relief society meetings to know we’re not the only ones.
I’d first like to add that, for most of these fights, either 1) I hadn’t eaten in the past 20 mins 2) I just got off the phone with Comcast or 3) I just came out of a dressing room that had wide-angle mirrors. So, I’m partially justified in all of these instances. Right?
1. The fight we have right before walking into a social gathering
That one time we went to a birthday party at Thai Village and we got into a spat on the car ride there about “something” and had to put on a smile before walking in the doors because 17 people were at this party and we’re the “funny” couple and everyone holds us to that, forgetting we’re human and sometimes want to smash a pie in each other’s face. Well, we didn’t disappoint, because sometimes the show must go on and because you can turn a scowl into an angelic smile faster than I can judge a grown man wearing Abercrombie and Fitch. And after our second serving of red curry and pad thai, we’d forgotten what we fought about and after dinner we spent a moment in the cold car telling each other how sorry we were. And then I told you to buckle your seatbelt before the car was even on. And we were back to square one. And I’m an idiot.
2. The fight we have when one of us keeps falling asleep
That one time our dinner conversation carried over into the living room and then started to turn sour as we were getting ready for bed. And while you were in the shower, I was pacing the floor, formulating the perfect response. And then you came out of the shower and I watched as you brushed your teeth and puttered in the bathroom and I instantly forgot my point because sometimes I love you more than I like being right or being heard. And then you changed into your PJ’s and turned out the lights and came to bed and we started to resolve our discussion. And just when I remembered the 15 reasons why I’m right, you fell asleep. And stayed asleep. So, I won by default.
3. The church fight
Sometimes fast and testimony meeting seems like the perfect place to discuss why you spent so much money at Hobby Lobby the day before. It’s not. I know that now.
4. The fight we have in hushed tones at the grocery store checkout line
The difference between you and me: I have a hard time deciding what cereal to get, so I buy one and see how it goes. You have a hard time deciding what cereal to get, so you buy 12 boxes but only end up liking 2 of them and throw away the other 10 boxes a few months later. Exact quote: “Why do you need 3 boxes of Cinnamon Chex?” Exact quote, in response: “Because Henry, you’re not my dad!”
5. The hangry Fight
That one time we were held up by a late delivery, so we barely made it to Blue Lemon before they closed and when we ordered our food there was no blood in our faces or love in our voices. And then we swallowed our food like maniacs and looked into each other’s eyes and apologized for everything that happened in the hour prior. Yes, cheese is the 6th love language.
6. The fight we have about socks but it’s really about my daddy issues
Me: “It just makes me feel like you don’t validate me as a grown man”
You: “Fine, Henry…you can have another underwear drawer…”
7. The rush hour traffic fight
Me: “Hey Kenz, we should start looking at houses?”
16 minutes of discussion later…
You: “Stop the car, I’m getting out!”
8. The fight we have about the names we will and will NOT give our future children
Crypton is not a name you give a baby, my love. It’s a coding language used to navigate drone strikes.
9. The double-edged sword fight
That fight we seem to sometimes have where you’re talking about “A” and I’m talking about “B” and we don’t realize we aren’t even arguing the same topic until we’re in the middle of IKEA and a fabric decision on an ottoman is about to give us a brain aneurysm.
You: “Well, I think the way you chew is stupid!”
Me: “…Wait, I thought we were talking about Benghazi”
10. The nothing fight
Let’s face it, they’re all “nothing” fights. Because really, all of our arguments share a simple theme: we’re sick of wearing pants everyday and we just wanna be panda bears. And what’s wrong with the name Shoshana?